Laughing in the mess of all this

One of the more difficult lessons I'm having to learn lately is to enjoy life, in spite of the mess, and without depending on my own ability to clean it up. 

To a large degree, I mean that literally. My house is a mess. Oh, sure, every night I do the dishes and wipe things down, every week I vacuum, give the bathroom a superficial clean, and on occasion I even get all the laundry put away. But this apartment was dirty when we moved in, and it has received precious few deep cleanings since. I spend a lot of time trying to suppress my rage and panic about the state of my surroundings when I'm at home, but I've also been going through a process of enlightenment and acceptance about mess. Because the mess is NEVER going away. I can beat it back week after week, I can try to move house and have a home that is easier to keep clean, but as long as I have little kids (and I am not trying to cut that period short!) it will come back.

I understand that the presence of Mess needs to be basically immaterial to my ability to enjoy life, or I will do precious little enjoying.

There are other kids of mess, too. We are late to so many things... I miss birthdays, I get thank-you cards sent out very late (I know, some of you are still waiting), we miss the mark on our budget, send payments late, Christmas shop at the last minute, spend too much on one person, not enough on another. I would just like to say, for the record: I do not have it together. In case you have ever believed for a moment that I did.

Look, I still don't have the rest of the pictures up from Thanksgiving break that I wanted to have up.

30 for me has been a year of restoring wholeness, in a lot of areas. I'm so grateful for the various gifts of 30, and this one no less: look around, be where you are, and find something about the view to love. So we have mess. That does not mean we cannot enjoy ourselves, and it definitely does not mean we cannot be of use to others. If God was waiting for people who had it all together to do his work in the world, he'd be waiting still. 

It's not a new lesson. But sitting in my mess with peace and grinning has been my epiphany of the season. We're doing our best over here, and trusting the rest to our huge Grace tab.

Someone snapped this shot of Adele and me yesterday. Me, not panicking about what had to be done that day. Me, noticing the sleeping Tiny on my lap, me, breathing, smiling, being. Of course, it is a mite easier to ignore Mess at church. Still. It's a start.

P.S. Quick Miles story: We had to change our plans on Saturday, from going Christmas shopping to going down the street to the nature center, because I had left my keys in the car the night before and Jon had the other set with him, on campus for the morning. So I am all put out and seething like I always am when something I planned didn't work out, and Miles obliviously starts singing, "This is the day, this is the day, that the Lord has made..." cheerfully, for all the world like this really wasn't that big a deal. With God and children conspiring against my bad attitude, was there any hope for it?

P.P.S. If you know how to rotate pictures on blogger, do let me know.