Rise and shine and give God the glory

It may still be August, but to my way of thinking, summer ends when the first school tardy bell rings. We are now in that nether-season, the hot southern back to school time. The time of year when my anxiety is usually peaking. I need to remember that and cut myself some slack. Anyway.

It's going to be a series of outrages from here on out, people, with this president on the iron throne. I am doing what I can, given the constraints of my life, to resist this immoral leadership and the bottom-dwelling notions that have been stirred to the surface. Charlottesville was a horror. I watched those young white men shouting Nazi slogans thinking, this is worse than even I thought it was going to be. We were all given the impression, in my generation, that open white-supremacy was a dying ideology, the refuge of some bitter, old, probably southern and rural people. We thought surely time would end it. But now we know better, we see how young these young white nationalists are, so what are we going to do? Last week, I felt that my part was to have a difficult conversation with my priest, to cry as she finally addressed the evil of racism from the pulpit and called us to action in fulfillment of our baptismal covenants, and then to march in Colorado Springs. 

The rally was interesting. Miles came, with a sign he made himself that said, "Love your neighbors as yourselves!" The event was mostly white, but then, so is Colorado Springs.

Antifa was there. I have mixed feelings about them. I admire their vigilance, because I agree with them that fascism can come upon democratic nations and that speech and peaceful demonstrations probably won't stop fascism if it really takes hold of enough people. Most of the Antifa marchers were silent, but one woman who seemed to be associated with them kept yelling insults at the police, which I thought was unhelpful and rude. I would like to see them defer to BLM and the NAACP when the issue relates to violence against African-Americans, though. They apparently did a lot to protect the counter-protestors in CVille, on the other hand, clergy included. So.... I'm kind of watching them. But it felt good to shout a bit, because these are months that I feel I'm watching the best parts of this country unravel a bit. What will it be in four years? I can't see that far.

Speaking of seeing far... We all thoroughly enjoyed Eclipse Day. Jon snagged us some glasses. I took mine to school, where I watched in between setting up my classroom and prepping for the first day of school. Jon biked home over lunch to hang out with the kids and relieve the babysitter a bit, and they watched together in the front yard. We got to about 88% here.

Here's my best shot with the glasses over my phone:

Then Tuesday the 22nd actually arrived, the day circled on our calendar for months, the day that's been causing me to lose so much sleep. I'm so much more comfortable this weekend than last! We really went and did the first day of school.

Miles was a real pill that morning. He was exhausted, apparently having slept very poorly on our floor for half the night. He was not interested in getting up for any reason, and we literally dragged clothes onto his body and combed his hair on the floor. Sigh. It gets better, right?

Adele, on the other hand, was thrilled to be going to school at last. She asked for braids, now that she has long enough hair. There were no tears and there was almost no hanging back; she kissed me and in she went! I knew how it would be.

They both did end up having a fabulous day. When I finally got home about 5 and paid the sitter, we all sat down on the couch to have a good long talk about it. Adele has made friends already, and is proud of her improvement on the monkey bars. As for academic skills she's doing, so far, she scoffs: "It's baby stuff." They're learning letters sounds, counting, etc. I'm going to have a chat with the teacher to see if we can't get her into some first grade academic groups because I'm about done with her being bored by school. But she loves her teacher, loves her classmates, enjoys art, music, and her favorite? P.E.! My daughter! She's a little powerhouse.

Miles is pleased with his teacher and with the number of familiar classmates he has. He got to show his classmates some of his summer souvenirs in his homework. A few times, he says, some classmates have asked him if he is a boy or girl. But no one has picked on him for his hair, his pink shoes, or the cat-eared headband he likes to wear. Kids are better than we give them credit for.

And then there is my first week. I have five classes, four of which have numbers over thirty! This is challenging, but the kids themselves are lovely. With very few exceptions, they are cheerful, curious, respectful, and want to succeed. What a difference from 9-11 grade! I may have found my niche; we'll see.

I am getting the hang of the schedule. On Friday, I managed to take them to lunch on time, for the first time (in my defense, we had different lunch start times on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday, and there are no bells for lunch). My teammate (also new) is smart and down-to-earth and friendly, so we're planning effectively together. By the end of the week, when we turned in our first official lesson plans to the principal, I felt like were starting to get the hang of this. At least, I'll feel that way until I get the feedback from the principal...

My classroom makes me happy. It's got my old posters and some new ones, and is starting to feel like a second home. My kids begin each day by reading their chapter books silently, and they actually do this, unlike my high school kids. It's very peaceful. I'm massively enjoying the improvements in educational technology since 2009! I have a projector that connects wirelessly to my surface, I have a document camera, I have 20 chromebooks (yeah, my classes are mostly over 30 students so we have to share), and grades, attendence, seating charts, and rosters are all online on our school's network, so I can access them from any computer. I can grade at home! Google classroom is also a real joy. I can put my absentee work up there so that students can access the assignments and the notes from home! I can have students submit assignments to their google drives! This is so fabulous to me.

It was a big week. About Thursday I had a real meltdown; I had a long spell with a cold sweat, dizziness, exhaustion. I think it was nerves + heat + digestive upset, but it shook me up. Did I mention the school has no air conditioning? But I'm learning to live with this and to take care of myself. One day at a time. One week down!

A Farewell to Summer

We are doing very best to give summer a proper sending off. This, today, Tuesday, August 15, is my last real day of summer. Tomorrow I head to professional development days and teacher work days ahead of next Tuesday's start of the school year! So today was the last week day I had home with the kids, unstructured, free. I am trying to savor it.

We even fit in one more visit, yesterday, in a day trip to Denver to see my aunt (known as Amma) and my cousin's boys (nephews, in my view). Eileen/Amma fed us a lovely lunch on her porch and we spent the afternoon at one of their fabulous neighborhood pools. Isaac and Eli swim like fishes, but this time, Miles and Adele were not far behind. They made progress even in this couple of hours! Adele ended up jumping in, unaided by a pool noodle, and swam to the surface on her own. And both are swimming, dog paddle style, all over the place! As a result, I got to enjoy some good conversation with Eileen while kicking leisurely as I like to do.

We saw four separate rainbows on the drive home!

Today I spent some of the afternoon doing something I wish I'd done more this summer: played with my kids outside. Not supervised them, not cleaned while they played, but really got into it and hula-hooped, jumped rope, chalked, and played a board game on the sidewalk. We blared oldies and drew some of our favorite summer images.

A map of our travels.

Adele's drawing of our house.

Adele's mountains, my pets, and Miles' hopscotch board.

Miles says pools and waterslides were his favorite part of the summer! For real!

My sketch of the kids hitting the gong.

I'm trying to remind myself that at the end of the school year, I did not want it to end. I remember thinking I would happily start a new school year after maybe a two week break, I was so keen on what the next year would bring. But now? I'm dragging my feet. I assume it's just a little regret at the door closing on something, no matter how complete it feels.

I'm gonna need a good solid meditation session tomorrow. I'm grateful I'll be walking to work in the Colorado sunshine, though. Here we go!

A very special visit day 2

Being that it was Agnes' first time in Colorado, we figured we'd better show her some mountains, especially since the skies began to clear. So, we all drove up to Colorado Springs to visit the Garden of the Gods. We love this place, as it is dramatically beautiful, full of great paths and trails, both challenging and gentle, and best of all, it's free! Come see us and we'll go.

The weather (mostly) held up and we enjoyed a beautiful hike. We took more challenging paths than usual, but despite the altitude, to which Dad and Agnes were not accustomed, they rolled with it amazingly.

The kids climbed into every nook they could find; they kept our heart rates up with their antics.

Dad grabbed us a family picture!

After a little rest at our house, we went out once more for a stroll on the Riverwalk. I wanted to show Agnes the statues.

They loved the Lakota woman as I do.

What a perfect, perfect visit! We showed them the town, enjoyed ourselves, saw beautiful things, and enjoyed each other's company. They even came to see my classroom! When people I love visit me here in the distant desert, I feel less alone, even long after they've gone.

What a blessing.

Also, I really do love this town.

A very special visit, Day 1

In an absolutely perfect end to our summer fun, Dad and Agnes came out for a couple days as part of their epic road trip together! We were all extremely happy to see them, and especially to welcome Agnes to our house (and to the state of Colorado) for the very first time.

We really fit a lot on! Dad and Agnes were troopers and went along with my ambitious to-do list with spirit and pluck. I showed Agnes our big downtown library, as she, like me, is a big fan of public libraries.


Next we had to bring her to El Pueblo for some local history. We were in luck: Tuesdays are tortilla-making days! They had the dough all ready, but we got to use the comal over the fire and eat our handiwork. Perfect!

Lunchtime found us at Rita's, Dad's favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican food place. He's visited for like four days total and we've eaten there three times. It really is excellent food, though, and wicked cheap.

At dinner, we took advantage of kids-eat-free night at Tres Margaritas. The mariachi was playing! At my request they played an old love song and the lead singer alternately gazed and me and Agnes while he sang and I might be in love.

Also, the restaurant very helpfully provides a magician to entertain the kids while they're not eating! These two got countless magic tricks and balloon animals, and we laughed ourselves sore at Mr. Magic. We love this guy so much.

Before bed, we fit in a trip to the City Park Rides and though it did rain it did NOT lightening! So the rides remained open just long enough.

Agnes takes her second roller-coaster ride ever!

This was such a gift and a joy for us, to have guests just once this summer. And on day 2, the sun even came out!

"There comes a point when you will exhale."

The popular idea of childbirth is that it ends with the placenta. But mothers the world over know you're in some form of labor for their entire childhoods, at least. The contractions are far more spaced out, it's true, but they are still real and very powerful. Every time your child wrestles with something hard, every time they take a risk, every time you take them to the emergency room, every time they enter a new and painful stage of growing up, POW. Contraction.

I sat poolside and had this view five days a week for three weeks. I alternated between trying to focus on my book (I got through Dracula and Silus Marner!) and fixating on what these two were doing in the pool.

 Ok, to be honest, it was mostly about what Miles was doing in the pool. Adele has always been perfectly willing to do whatever her swim teachers asked of her, and has been making steady progress for the past few years. Not so, Miles. At eight he still couldn't keep his head above water without assistance and to me, this is unacceptable. I was swimming lengths at six. I couldn't comprehend discomfort with the water. The first week played out almost exactly as last year's lessons had done, with Miles refusing to put his face in the water, refusing to jump in, panicking when he was made to float on his back, etc. The second week, he still resisted, but almost in spite of himself, he improved and even did some "bobs" and reluctantly turned belly up for his floats. This swim program is oriented around skill mastery and rising at the student's own pace through the levels, 1-10. Miles remained in level 1-2, and as all the other kids in his group were paraded over to hit the gong, announcing their graduation from one level to the next, my dejection grew.

Watching this is physically uncomfortable. I catch myself tensing for a spring every time it's his turn to jump, coiling up and releasing frustrated energy each time he refuses. I hold my breath when his face is to go into the water, I take great gulping inhales when he emerges. My body seems to long to do it for him, to make it happen, to give him the experience without him having to work for it. But this week, the third week, as my muscles returned to their frustrated mimicry, I had a breakthrough. Probably this was from reading George Eliot; if you ever sense your soul and moral character needs a workout, I recommend a George Eliot novel.

I realized I was trying to insert myself into his life, which even if it were possible would not be desirable, as we're only given ownership of one life. I realized I needed to let him have this, for better or for worse. I realized I was becoming that parent to the swim instructors. My conversations with them still fell short of what I wanted to say, which was the cry of every parent whose child is struggling: Please see my child. Please don't give up on them. I know they're difficult, I know. Please. Believe they can succeed. But there needs to be a way for our children to slowly receive ownership of themselves, which can only happen if we parents slowly untense our muscles, open our fists, breathe our own breaths, and let go.

I also realized I wasn't paying nearly enough attention to Adele, who needs recognition and support and connection even if she does find swimming easy.

One instructor named Gigi, bless her forever, offered to give Miles an extra lesson after class ended. We took her up on it, and he surprised himself by thoroughly enjoying fetching the pool toys and rising to the challenges she set him. He actually exclaimed, "Swimming is fun!" and later, "I actually liked that lesson, Mummy!" And then he said, with conviction, "I am going to ring the gong tomorrow."

And he did. I watched in disbelief as he checked his skills off the list and he and his teacher exchanged high fives. And then he had his own parade over to the gong!

And I cried, and I exhaled. I may be that mom sometimes, but he earned this himself.

Miles takes his place with the level 3-4s.

And then my gaze could shift to Adele, who has been improving steadily but still had one more skill to master before she could "gong." But watching Miles hit it and be so celebrated set something off in her and she walked in on Friday on a mission. She asked to do her routine without her floatie. They made her do it several times, gradually removing pads from her floatie until she was finally bare of it, and she swam. She put her face in the water, blew bubbles, kicked, and swam.

I was not anticipating she'd be able to get from three pads to zero in one day, but her teachers saw her determination and gave her the chance to prove herself.

You better believe we went out for ice cream today. I told them, "Put this week in your pocket to pull out later and remind yourself that you can do hard things."

I'm putting it in my pocket too, to remind me that they can do hard things. And I can watch, and let them, and exhale.