Leaf fall and loss

It seems like yesterday I was taking this picture at Winslow's playground and enjoying a summery warm day.  But as Pearl has said, we've skipped directly from summer to winter this month.  It's been . . . abrupt.

But last weekend, we found ourselves hiking at Letchworth in the 45 degrees and rain. The leaves are turning, yes, but slowly.  A few trees here and there stand out, yellow or orange or red, but most are stubbornly green. It's still beautiful. 


I'm sure I've been to Letchworth before, as a child.  But I have no memory of it.  So, it was a pleasant surprise to turn the corner and see the breathtaking canyon and the busy waterfalls.  We had a three mile hike! 

Bundled up . . . it's a proper fall at last

The kids were suitably impressed.  Miles especially; he was thrilled by the view and quite cheerful through the walk in the rain.  

Adele struggled. Her legs are still the shortest by far, and around mile 3 she really broke down.  It took a lot of improvised Harry Potter trivia to keep my little Ravenclaw walking.






















Miles only required some songs and company.  He was a cheerful hobbit.  
The waterfalls are just thrilling.  And even the mist and rain weren't miserable; it was kind of refreshing, since we were properly dressed for it.  I'm going to try to keep this mantra in mind as I transition back to this climate: "there's no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing."
We sang hobbit songs ("The Old Walking Song" and "The Merry Old Inn") and folk songs and played trivia games as we Walked. I'm glad we went. 

There really is nothing like a long walk for clearing one's head after all, and lighting one's heart.  And I have needed this.  It's been a darker month than I expected, because on October 2nd, I found out that the pregnancy I was so excited about in September had come to an end.  I miscarried without bleeding, silently, quietly.  The baby was due in May, and I had high hopes that it would come on one of the many birthdays of relatives that surrounded the due date.  I had gotten out my boxes of baby stuff again. We had some ideas for names.

As I have said to my lovely friends, who have held me up during these weeks, "to decide to have a child is to open a door.  When you open a door, you don't get to decide what comes in."  To be open to life is to be open to love and vice versa.  I had six weeks with Slightly, who I saw in two grainy ultrasounds, one with a heartbeat, one without.  I tried to communicate to her that she was wanted and loved.  But it was not to be. 

I am healed in body and I am really very sound in my mind now.  The hormones have worked their way out.  I'm so grateful for friends, for good books, for my dog, for my new old home here in Rochester, and for the fact that life goes on.  I have been here before.  When Miles was born, it was only a year after I was in that same hospital for my first loss.  I can hope to have joy like that to look forward to after this sorrow. 
 
And the world continues to be beautiful!  Trees are illuminated and I have so much to look forward to.  This weekend, for example, we're planning to attend Ithaca's Wizarding Weekend! You better believe we'll all be cosplaying and that I'll be posting pictures. 
I am reviving.